The Spirit Warns

Today we shall veer to the side of our normal verse by verse (mostly) study of the weekly chapter the Lord places upon my heart to a more personal grief stricken story. Now, for those who do not wish to hear how God bluntly warned me before I committed fornication, please stop reading. For the rest of you, I pray that your faith may increase, for despite our deaf ears, God speaks quite loudly.

Our story begins in 2001 near the events of 9/11. I was working at a drycleaners, namely Comet Cleaners, and decided to take a year off before attempting college (that year is almost over, 7 years later.) Being more punctual than some, I took the position of store manager for a time, and proudly boasted about how I was the youngest manager to ever grace the Comet scene (apparently I am still proud of this, for that sentence was quite easy to write.)
Shortly after this promotion, I noticed the folly of my actions. You are probably hoping I decided to go to school immediately. 18 year old me would never think such a thing! Instead I figured through a couple math problems (my teacher was right) that I would actually make more money as an assistant manager, hourly, than receiving my current salary. So I stepped down to an older more familiar (and prosperous) role. 1Ti 6:10 for the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

At this time in my life I would attend Sunday church with my recently dusted off bible in hand. Throughout the rest of the week my buddies and I would nightly try to acquire beer or weed. This quest, as we would often call it, led me to a girl at work, who being 22, had the lawful and unlawful connections I was looking for. Through this and that favor, and the simple lack of many other women around, we began dating.
We were definitely not meant for each other, but being employed at the same place gave us a conversation that could always fall back on complaints about the boss, pay, uniforms etc. A couple weeks went by and the pressure from friends and self screamed of relationship progression. “Stay the night”and “I’ll teach you,” she would say. Yet, the Christian background I was raised with desperately tried to hold on. “Not until marriage for me” and “a kiss should satisfy,” was my rebuttle. My responses were quite the joke around work and the social circle.
A month or two passed, and thanks to the company I held, I began reading books on sex and was beginning to believe it was time for me to grow up (if I only knew what that really meant.) Each day she would say “Come lay over here” or “let’s take a nap.” Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t, but due to mostly fear of the unknown at this point, a virgin I was still.

One day when I was home alone from work (I lived with my high school buddy,) I was sulking in my room. I had that deep emptiness due to broken fellowship with God and was weeping. In my cd player was the only Christian music I owned (which I subsequently had stolen from k-mart,) Third Day: Offerings. Your Love oh Lord was the song I would play 3-4 times every week I cried. This day I somehow decided to find my bible and do the old flip and point scripture reading. Genesis 39 was the chapter my finger pointed to, so I read:

Gen 39:1 Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt; and Potiphar, an Egyptian officer of Pharaoh, the captain of the bodyguard, bought him from the Ishmaelites, who had taken him down there.
Gen 39:2 The LORD was with Joseph, so he became a successful man. And he was in the house of his master, the Egyptian.
Gen 39:3 Now his master saw that the LORD was with him and how the LORD caused all that he did to prosper in his hand.
Gen 39:4 So Joseph found favor in his sight and became his personal servant; and he made him overseer over his house, and all that he owned he put in his charge.
Gen 39:5 It came about that from the time he made him overseer in his house and over all that he owned, the LORD blessed the Egyptian's house on account of Joseph; thus the LORD'S blessing was upon all that he owned, in the house and in the field.
Gen 39:6 So he left everything he owned in Joseph's charge; and with him there he did not concern himself with anything except the food which he ate. Now Joseph was handsome in form and appearance.
Gen 39:7 It came about after these events that his master's wife looked with desire at Joseph, and she said, "Lie with me."
Gen 39:8 But he refused and said to his master's wife, "Behold, with me here, my master does not concern himself with anything in the house, and he has put all that he owns in my charge.
Gen 39:9 "There is no one greater in this house than I, and he has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do this great evil and sin against God?"
Gen 39:10 As she spoke to Joseph day after day, he did not listen to her to lie beside her or be with her.
Gen 39:11 Now it happened one day that he went into the house to do his work, and none of the men of the household was there inside.
Gen 39:12 She caught him by his garment, saying, "Lie with me!" And he left his garment in her hand and fled, and went outside.
Gen 39:13 When she saw that he had left his garment in her hand and had fled outside,
Gen 39:14 she called to the men of her household and said to them, "See, he has brought in a Hebrew to us to make sport of us; he came in to me to lie with me, and I screamed.
Gen 39:15 "When he heard that I raised my voice and screamed, he left his garment beside me and fled and went outside."
Gen 39:16 So she left his garment beside her until his master came home.
Gen 39:17 Then she spoke to him with these words, "The Hebrew slave, whom you brought to us, came in to me to make sport of me;
Gen 39:18 and as I raised my voice and screamed, he left his garment beside me and fled outside."
Gen 39:19 Now when his master heard the words of his wife, which she spoke to him, saying, "This is what your slave did to me," his anger burned.
Gen 39:20 So Joseph's master took him and put him into the jail, the place where the king's prisoners were confined; and he was there in the jail.
Gen 39:21 But the LORD was with Joseph and extended kindness to him, and gave him favor in the sight of the chief jailer.
Gen 39:22 The chief jailer committed to Joseph's charge all the prisoners who were in the jail; so that whatever was done there, he was responsible for it.
Gen 39:23 The chief jailer did not supervise anything under Joseph's charge because the LORD was with him; and whatever he did, the LORD made to prosper.

When I had finished reading, I thought to myself: “This is just like that time she stole my shirt and I drove home without one.” Unfortunately, this was the last thought I gave to God’s obvious and almost audible warning. That same night I succumbed to that girl and she took the one thing I shall never get back. 3 weeks later I remembered this story and broke it off with her. I would like to say that I then turned to the Lord and prayed for forgiveness. But, it wasn’t until almost a year later that God in His grace used a mormon to debate my theology and in turn forced me to read the bible to prove this person wrong. Granted, I looked to the Word for all the wrong reasons, yet God used His truth to lead me back to Him.

The one act of my life that I have the most trouble accepting forgiveness for, God has turned into a wonderful story about His Hand being upon me even in my darkest times. God takes sexually immorality seriously, and even though I know I am forgiven, it haunts me still. And unfortunately, though my wife loves me dearly, she suffers from my past sin as well. I know she has forgiven me also, but, unlike the Lord, she does remember, and the hole which is burned in her heart from me being impure upon our marriage blocks the full fellowship God designed our wedlock to embrace.
Sometimes memories of past sins try to haunt us once again, but let us remember what God says in Isaiah 43:25 “I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” When guilt sets in and you go before God asking forgiveness for a sin a second time, He plainly says, “What sin? I don’t remember that.” For, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Psalms 103:12.

My husband Brent wrote this. He writes weekly devotionals for our family and close friends. Later we talked about it. I cannot help but feel a tiny twinge of hurt and jealousy when I hear that he still thinks about that girl or that moment. It does hurt. I have nothing to be ashamed of being the virgin that I was until my husband. God's Word is very straight forward about sex being honorable within the marriage bed. And to all you young ladies and gentlemen out there who are still virgins, save yourself! It is the greatest and most precious thing you can do!