My Troubles...

It's not that I think I'm dying of cancer. It's not that I think I feel worse than them. But I do feel horrible. And I do sometimes feels like I could be dying. I'd say about 75% of the time, my stomach hurts. I don't want to eat anything (although I do). Because I know that if I eat anything (even good things like bananas, rice, boneless skinless chicken breasts, applesauce, a pb sandwich), it's going to affect me. There is NOTHING that doesn't come straight back out. I know this is gross, so don't read if you don't want. But I just have diarrea all the time. This is NOT normal. I should be able to eat something. I should have some relief at some point. But I don't. I was good when I was pregnant/breastfeeding but that's because you have like super human health during that time. But since November of this year, I haven't had one normal bowel movement. So I need to cry it out sometimes. And I do, quite frequently. You say, "Go to a doctor." I would've sooner but I didn't have insurance until this month and it's not even real insurance. You say, "Go now." I can't get an appt until March for just a primary visit. In the past they did all kinds of tests and couldn't find anything. But there has to be SOMETHING going on here. I'm not throwing up, I'm not bleeding. I do bruise easily. I do have diarrea every night. I am only 92lbs. I was 98lbs in November. I was 100lbs at the beginning of the year. And to tell you the truth, 105lbs is really the biggest I've been since I was pregnant. It does ruin my life. It does run my life. I would rather just be with Jesus in heaven at this point, seriously though. And I know it sounds like I'm quitting, but I'm not. I just have no idea what to do anymore. I sit here crying. My daughter comes up to me and says, "Okay?" I have to say, "yes." Because the one time I said "no, not okay" to her, she started crying too. This is just no way to live...